I Have a Confession to Make

My confession is this, I started smoking again. I have been smoking for about 6 months. I quit while I was pregnant and I didn't smoke while I was breast feeding, but as soon as I stopped, I began smoking again. I am so disappointed with myself and so are my mom and dad. I am such a weak person. I don't think I would have started again if my husband would have quit, but alas he didn't.

I know the dangers and I know it's bad and I know it isn't fair to my kids that I am doing this to myself. My reason is simple and stupid. I have been on a diet since March (I think), and I was not really doing well because I couldn't curb my cravings for everything bad for me. I was sitting at my desk at work one day and my friend here came by and asked if I wanted to go outside with her for some air. She was going to smoke and I needed a break, so I went. I was having an intense craving for all things sweet at that time, so I asked her if I could have a drag of her cig. She hesitated, not wanting to be the reason I started smoking again, but she relented and gave me a drag. My craving miraculously disappeared, like I knew it would. So, being the jeenyus I am, I decided that while I am dieting, I will smoke to combat the cravings that I normally don't have the will power to resist. As of last night, I have lost a total of 21lbs, so unfortunately it is working. I have not had a gain since I started my smoking diet.

Now, I am telling myself that once I reach my goal, I will quit, and I have another 24lbs to go. I am not naive, so I know that won't be easy. I started smoking full time when I was 13, full time means buying my own cigarettes, and smoking more then once a day. I quit when I was pregnant with my son and didn't smoke for two years after he was born. I can tell myself all these excuses as to why I started then, but they don't really matter. Just like my sorry excuse this time. I should not be smoking, I should not enjoy it, but I do and I do.

So that is my confession on this rainy Friday. I feel better now even if no one reads this. Next I will tackle Halloween. I know, everyone is soooo excited!!